So, why was The Quiet Rewind Born?

If you’ve ever looked like you had your life together while quietly falling apart inside, this story is for you.

 The Quiet Rewind wasn’t born in the traditional sense. It evolved over many years and went through many iterations, on the way to its current form.

 Looking back, maybe 15 years ago, my life was in a mess. Not on the outside, that looked perfect. I’d completed a degree in Sociology, I’d trained as a Probation Officer, something I’d always wanted to do, likely linked to having a father who was domestically abusive. I wanted to understand human behaviour and why we behave in certain ways, and how to change it, if it harms people.

 So, there I was working as a Probation Officer, I’d got there, right? I’d achieved what I wanted. But something was wrong. Why did I still have this deep sense that something was missing, that I was not enough? Why did I still struggle to believe in myself? Why was I constantly on edge, people pleasing, stressed, and working ever harder, just to prove myself? Why did I beat myself up all the time and go out of my way to prove I was enough? Why did I doubt everything I ever did? Why could I not speak up at meetings? Why was my head so busy, all the time? This constant, frankly mean girl commentary about myself was relentless, it was exhausting. The endless questions were draining. I didn’t know the answer to any of them, so I did my best to ignore them, to keep going. Until I couldn’t anymore. Until the constant heightened state began to affect my health in ways that I would never have imagined.

 Suddenly, in my quest to be ‘perfect’ (whatever that is) and prove my worth, my old friend anxiety became bad, very bad, I had stopped eating as a means to feel better about myself and for a while it got me the attention I wanted, Nix, you are so skinny, whoop!! I’m skinny now, does that make me worthy? Does that mean I can stop now and just be content? Nope, I’m afraid not. What if I hide behind my outer image and spend ALL of my money on clothes, will that help? As enjoyable as that was (still love fashion), it didn’t change the inside. That just continued in its relentless quest to quietly destroy me, like I was my own worst enemy but didn’t know how to stop it. How could I be so good helping others in Probation when I couldn’t even help myself? Ah the endless questions on replay, again and again and again.

 Then came the debilitating panic attacks, random, out of nowhere, and deeply troubling. Each time I thought I was going to die, genuinely. I even called an ambulance on one occasion in the early days, so convinced that I was having a heart attack. If you have ever experienced this, you will know. And this went on for years. But I was strong, right? I did not take any time off work, I just kept going, because working hard is the answer to everything right? It can drown out the noise. Sadly not. It has to stop at some point. For me, it was when my body told me enough is enough.

 It came to a head when my panic attacks literally became not just daily but several times per day. Desperate for a solution by now, I read, I listened to podcasts, I searched online for answers. I had time now, panic attacks had ensured that my life had shrunk, I stopped socialising, I was too scared to go out anywhere but work, public panic attacks are not ideal. Then I found one book which was the start of finally making things better. It told me that when the panic attack came on, welcome it instead of fighting it, tell it to do its worst. Anxiety feeds on fear, so it was my job now to remove the fuel. I still remember the first time I thought about doing it, the thought itself was enough to trigger panic. But it worked. Yes, I still had anxiety and I still felt not enough, I still felt nervous, shy and in deep inner turmoil, nobody knew though, so that’s alright, isn’t it. No, it is not. So, whilst the outer manifestation of my inner world began to improve, I began to dig deeper to try to understand myself.

 After much soul searching, I realised this lack of confidence, this chronic low self-esteem, of having to show people that I was enough, stemmed back years. I come from a family where praise does not come easily and being the youngest, I was always the target for what my family thought was harmless teasing. What it left me with is a set of beliefs about myself that were shaping my life and not in a good way. I was never present, always in the future, worrying about everything. The imaginary, what ifs took over my life. I was so unhappy, nobody knew this, it was my dark little secret.

 I came across meditation and began a regular practice. This was the beginning of me starting to get quiet. Of realising that my mind is fearful, but it’s not who I am, it’s just who I thought I was. The mind’s job is to keep us safe, but anxiety starts and ends in the mind, so getting quiet was the start.

 But meditation when anxious, is not easy and just something else to beat myself up about. Most teachers tell you to quiet the mind, and this leads to resistance. This then creates tension, so that wasn’t the whole answer. And so, I continued reading a lot of self-help books, I had counselling, I hired a coach, I joined endless memberships, all about improving myself. Still in turmoil, I continued searching. I trained in coaching, hypnotherapy, meditation coaching, energy healing, tapping, breathwork, manifestation techniques, you name it, I’ve done it all. Did it change anything? In many ways yes, but in many ways no, I just had more knowledge, but I was still the same inside.

 The turning point came through a handful of teachers I found online, each saying some version of the same thing in their own way: that learning more techniques doesn’t change anything, but what does is the recognition that everything you think and believe is conditioning, which begins as soon as you are born and is shaped by those around you and your experiences, good and bad. But, and here’s the thing, it’s just not who you really are. It’s a conditioned version of you. I’m not an anxious person, my conditioning had taught me to be hypervigilant, but it’s not who I am at my essence. That child who came into the world perfect and then through the process of becoming who I thought I had to be, what was expected of me, developed a personality and a whole lot of beliefs that would go on to limit me for the next part of my life.

 So, rather than meditation, I focused on developing an ability to go into a meditative state, where all that conditioning drops away and all that is left is what is in your heart, the gateway to your intuition. We have been taught that our minds are the only thing we need, but actually, our greatest wisdom comes from intuition, we just don’t trust or listen to it. What I call the Quiet Knowing is just this place. You go into stillness, and that doesn’t mean disconnecting from the mind, but it does mean not connecting to the thoughts that you have and believing they are true. It means sitting in stillness and letting all of that pass you by, connecting to your heart and tuning into who you really are. It’s a practice that takes time to learn but is so worth it.

 Finally, I had some peace. Not constant peace, but I dropped my guard. I stopped performing. I relaxed. I became present.

 That’s why I do what I do now.

 Your inner landscape matters. You deserve to feel as good inside as your apparent outside success looks to others.

 This is the Quiet Rewind. Not becoming someone new, but remembering who you were before the world told you who to be.